fighting my demons this halloween

01 Nov, 2023

i LOVE halloween, but because i've been abroad for the past few years, i haven't really been able to celebrate it to my heart's content. this year, i'm still away from the friends that make celebrating holidays truly fun, but i tried my best to get into the spirit anyways. i had two costumes, maki zenin and spider-gwen, and made plans that i wouldn't normally make.

the first event was a trunk-or-treat movie in the park on the 21st, and it was really lovely. i went with two classmates after we perused spirit halloween and hot topic for costumes, but since they didn't find any they liked, i felt too embarrassed to dress up alone. when i got there, though, i really regretted not dressing up-- the venue was so spirited and cute! various organizations, including the library, the fire department, and the local museum, had set up stalls and decorations to hand out candy to the families that came with little princesses and superheroes. when the sun had just begun to set, my friends and i laid out blankets and watched one of my favorite halloween movies: the nightmare before christmas. the air was chilly, but my memories of that night are warm. my friends, both international students, kept commenting how wonderful and foreign this was to them. i guess we americans do know how to have fun sometimes.

because i regretted not wearing a costume for the movie, i donned my long green wig and jujutsu academy uniform a week later for the next event: a "fall fiesta" at my school, complete with pumpkin carving and a costume contest. i was mortified when i arrived and hardly anyone was dressed up! i was extra embarrassed because i didn't see anyone i know, so i was not only the only student in costume, but i was also the only student alone. it seems like an overreaction now, but my heart races and my face flushes when i'm flustered, so i was pretty uncomfortable at the time. thankfully, once i started carving a pumpkin and making small talk with the people next to me, i felt less self-conscious. i ended up meeting some nice people and carving a little jack-o-lantern with vampire fangs. •̀ᵥᵥ•́

on halloweekend, i did something utterly, completely, entirely out of character for me... that is, attend a stranger's house party¹. i was anxious at first because i didn't know anyone and everyone kept asking me what i was dressed as, but i ended up having a better time than i was expecting. some familiar faces arrived later, and i spent a few hours sitting on the floor chatting, eating, petting a friendly cat, and singing karaoke. when i got home, though, i started spiraling a little, worried about how i was perceived. did i talk too little? too much? was i singing too loudly? too off-key? should i have worn my other costume instead? i don't like the way i look in the photos. oh no, i don't remember anyone's name! i have to remind myself that i did a good job stepping out of my comfort zone, and no one is as critical of me as i am of myself.

on the 31st, i wore my spider-gwen costume to a trick-or-treat event at the wharf and a pizza party in the dorm. i felt so cute and girly, and people complimented me as i walked by, but the evil thing is, looking at photos taken of me makes me a little sad. i'm not very photogenic to begin with, so if the photographer snaps a shot from a bad angle, i feel extra bad about myself². in pictures, i can also see clearly how the costume doesn't fit me properly. it's too big in the arms and legs, so it wrinkles in an especially unflattering way around my thighs. i know logically that this doesn't mean anything is "wrong" with my body, but because i've lost even more weight in the past year, it's difficult to be body-positive or even body-neutral.

the true highlight of halloween day was when i saw a little girl at the wharf in the same costume as me. it made me so happy to see her face light up the same way i bet mine did as we waved. reflecting on this halloween season and reading over this post, i realize that i think a lot about things that don't really matter: the way my clothes fit, what others think of me, how well or poorly i photograph. i should focus instead on the things that bring me joy: sharing blankets with friends on a cold night, the way strangers can turn into friendly faces if you're brave enough to start a conversation, and the pure, innocent smile of a young girl that dreams of being a superhero.