i've moved once again! i'm finally back in my home state, and i can't complain. the weather is how i like it, clear skies with a breeze, and for the first time in my life, i was able to move in with more than two suitcases.

i'm spending the academic year studying at an international institute, where the student body represents over 50 countries and 30 languages. it's fascinating and inspiring to be around such a diverse group of people, but it's been challenging navigating my identity here. it feels like most people look at me and assume i'm an international student and/or that my native language is chinese, but neither of these are true. i know they don't mean anything by it, but it can be a bit alienating, like when i arrived on campus and one of the first things my RA said to me was, "if this is your first time in america..."

my indignation is somewhat exacerbated by the fact that the only other person in the Teaching Chinese as a Foreign Language major is a white man. everyone is charmed by the fact that he speaks chinese and asks him questions about being a non-native teacher, but they don't bat an eye when i introduce myself, even though he's been studying chinese thrice as long as i have. i've been trying to unpack where this discomfort comes from. is it just my dumb ego wanting to be acknowledged for my hard work too, or is it a bigger racial issue? i haven't reached a conclusion, but honestly, it's probably a bit of both. it reminds me of every time when i was studying abroad, locals would get frustrated with me for not being fluent, but praise my classmates for managing a simple "ni hao".

i'm sure all diaspora can relate to this, but i feel stuck between the two worlds of my nationality and my ethnicity, and restricted by the identities that others ascribe to me. when i worked in taiwan visiting schools that applied for a foreign english teacher, some taiwanese faculty were disappointed when i showed up. "where is the american?", they would ask. on the other side of the microaggression coin, my american colleagues often mistook me as taiwanese and didn't talk to me. to them, i wasn't american enough. and yet, to the natives that insulted or scolded me over communication issues, i wasn't chinese enough.

of course, it's not all bad. these past few days have been a good reminder for me to not make assumptions about people based on their appearance. i'm also very grateful for the people that do take the time to understand and honor my true identity. finally, even if other people don't recognize it, i'm proud of myself for how far i've grown from that 17 year-old girl who couldn't even write her own name correctly. if my chinese has gotten so good that people mistake me for a native speaker, then hey, i'll take it as a win.