i'm tired of saying this, and my friends are probably tired of hearing it, but today was another difficult day. i tried to be kind to myself and listen to what my brain needs, but i don't know how to find the balance between self-care and self-indulgence. my brain says she's tired, and sleeping is a good thing, but is it still self-care if i don't get out of bed until 4pm? my brain says she can't study right now, and relaxing is a good thing, but is it still self-care if i'm neglecting the schoolwork that i have to do eventually?

i spent a few hours today trying to find a therapist, and wow, it is hard. part of the struggle is that i'm not sure where to look. i'm moving across the country in less than a month, so i don't want to connect with someone here and have to start over again when i move. money is also a concern for me—i'm under my parents' insurance and i'm not sure how they would react to my seeking therapy. i've also read about other issues with using insurance, including the fact that it requires a diagnosis and might limit the therapist in various ways.

finally, and maybe most importantly, i can't say i'm mentally "all in" yet. i'm scared after reading so many people's bad experiences with therapy. it seems so cruel that someone could be struggling and, on top of that, lose time, money, energy, and heart after consulting a bad therapist. i also don't want to admit it, but there is a tiny part of me that doesn’t fully understand the benefits of therapy, especially compared to the cost. can i afford to pay someone to talk to me? will an hour a week really help? can’t i do it myself if i read enough books and listen to enough podcasts and taylor swift songs? (lol)

i'm still unsure what i'll do about long-term therapy, but i think i'll use my school's online resources to get some counseling for the summer. we use an app called timelycare and i can connect to licensed professionals and hopefully get some advice on different self-care, mindfulness, and emotion regulation methods. i'm having a hard time but, as TS would say, this is me trying.