in an ongoing battle with my self-image, i cut my own hair a few days ago. i wish i could say i felt like mulan, but considering she did it with a sword before going to war, and i did it with amazon scissors after a mental breakdown, i think i should leave my delusions of grandeur in the trash can with the rest of my hair. thankfully, the haircut is not bad at all. it's a little choppy and uneven, but cutting layers brought dimension back into my flat hair, and i've always thought this length suits me best.

i've noticed that i'm hyper-aware of my appearance lately, to the point where i don't recognize my reflection (hence the mulan references). it's unhealthy and i really don't like spending so much time thinking about it, but it's difficult to avoid. the funny thing is, i somehow manage to be both conceited and insecure. i know i'm not an unattractive person¹. there are plenty of things i like about myself—my doe eyes, my soft cheeks, my elegant legs—yet, when i look in the mirror, there's always something to criticize.

some of these criticisms are admittedly more valid than others. i think quite a few of them are related to my physical health and i do want to work on them. for example, i'm insecure about my thinning hair, the fact that i'm underweight, and the bags under my eyes, all of which could potentially be improved with better diet, exercise, and sleep.

i'm trying to ignore the other insecurities that stem from toxic beauty standards, like the ones i have about my bulbous nose and flat chest. i realize that chasing some perceived ideal is never going to make me happy, because beauty standards are not only different around the world, but also constantly changing. the same thick eyebrows, big lips, and slanted eyes that kids of color used to get bullied for are now trends: "fluffy brows", "pouty lips", and "fox eyes". on top of that, some beauty standards are downright ridiculous, especially the ones regarding aging. i see a concerning amount of posts about "how to sleep without getting wrinkles", "how to laugh so you don't get smile lines"... can't we just let women sleep and laugh and age like normal people?

i went on a bit of an unplanned rant at the end there, but i guess everything i want to say was already said by TLC before i was even born:

you can buy your hair if it won't grow
you can fix your nose if he says so
you can buy all the makeup that MAC can make
but if you can't look inside you
find out who am i to be in the position to make me feel so damn unpretty

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1. well, it depends whom you ask, but google reverse image search once mistook me for a japanese idol, so my ego hasn't been the same since.↩